friendship

Do you feel happy Cris? Do you envisioned all of this? Because I can assure you that three years ago you didn't have any idea of what you might turned out to be.

You didn't have any ideia that you would receive a huge post-card from your best friend remembering the past three years. I'm sure that you definitely wouldn't have guessed that someone would offer you a giant bottle with the thing that you love the most to eat: gums.

Your mother offering you that shirt that you wanted to buy for a long time and you didn't have time to do that? And now you're using it all the time. Come one, who would have guessed that someone would go to the cinema to see the same movie for the second time just to go with you?

Little things like stopping the car and coming out just to say hi? Like sending an e-mail with urgent on the subject only to wish you a happy birthday? And when you miss the most your old friend, he comes out of nowhere and calls you in a video-conference with 10 polish guys wishing me happy birthday.

These little and insignificant things are huge!! And although everythings seems messy and confusing, there's one thing that I wouldn't trade for anything: friendship.

forgiveness

It was two years ago and he still talks about it. I see myself back then and honestly, I don't recognize myself. It's really scary how I changed a lot, how I learned with every single detail that life constantly made me face. This is powerful! This is what I'm proud of! And he doesn't see that. He treats me like I own him something, like he's doing me a favor, like he never forgived me at all. Deep inside, I think he doesn't notice what I do for him everyday. I'm not complaining although, only expressing my fears and doubts.

I keep thinking: Until what point can we really forgive someone? I mean, forgive! Because, and I've lived that, when you love someone, you are capable to do it and much more. After all, we just have to learn to live with eachother. And I tell to myself: that's what we are doing!

I'm just waiting for you to ask me how far did I learn the lesson. Well, I did. And you just have to believe me.

suddenly

It was the summer of M and C. They had so many friends in common, but due to their personalities, never got to speake before. Suddenly, they became the best friends. It seemed like they knew eachother for a very long time. And they spent the summer that way: always together.

C used to pick up M in her place and the destiny was always party until the end of the night and coffe in the next afternoon. It was a great summer, both believed. But, like it started, it ended. Not only the summer.

Suddenly, M started not answering C anymore. M started not talking to her. C didn't understand. C doesn't understand yet. Now, everytime they cross, they don't talk. Neither of them knows why, but they continue to go to the same places, with the same common friends, and spend great nights there. But without talking to eachother. Avoiding eye contact. Now, due to their personalities, they don't speake eachother anymore.

I'm still trying to find the courage to talk to you.

secretly

For those who know me better, you know I mainly make my decisions based on emotions and feelings, forgetting the rational part of the consequences. And that's what makes me get out of bed every morning: knowing that during the day, I have the opportunity to be, to feel, to live by myself and not by some random facts that everybody wants me to understand.

When he told me "Please, keep secret.", I thought to myself that yes, maybe it's better this way, no-one knowing about it, no-one telling me what to do or not to do, no-one judging me for what I believe. In my head, I should try to find strenghts to get out of this secret. And I know I can do it, but in my heart I don't want to. So, I grab to Tiago Rebelo's words and believe that:

However, at some point in the evening, there was a moment when he looked at her and their eyes crossed, making her feel sure he wanted to say "You are my secret".

(Photo: Cristiana Lopes - Palácio de Seteais: where the story "És o meu segredo" happens).

page number one

I start my 2010 by creating a blog. A blog that it's worth to write. A blog that will help me face my fears and share my deepest and silliest thoughts. Today is a good day to start writing, start sharing, start listening. So, I start reflecting about 2009 and I realize that it couldn't be a better year for self discovery and personal growth. That's why today I can say I hold the happiness in my hand. What if I let it go? That's what I'm afraid of. That's the reason my heart beats faster, my legs shake every minute and that feeling of butterflies in my stomach doesn't go away. For what it's worth, I'm Cris Lopes and this is my blog.